The Art of Difficult Conversations

At some point, we all have to engage in a difficult conversation. Difficult conversations are not limited to life and death conversations or saying goodbye. Sometimes admitting to something or saying you are sorry can be a difficult conversation. Sometimes, revealing a long-held secret or putting words to a fear can be a difficult conversation. Sometimes, telling a parent that their child needs extra school support is a difficult conversation.

What makes these conversations difficult is the big emotions that go with them, for both the person sharing the information and potentially the person receiving it. As the bearer of difficult news, one often experiences anxiety, discomfort and a lot of uncertainty, because you do not know for certain how the other person may respond.

Because these conversations are so emotionally laden and uncomfortable, we naturally try to avoid them.  We often do this by telling ourselves that we are waiting for the right moment, and in this way, we create a seemingly legitimate excuse for not engaging in a conversation we know we need to have before things can get better or be resolved. Although the right moment for such a conversation is essential, the art lies in creating the right moment rather than passively waiting for it to happen.

Creating the right moment for such a conversation consists of a couple of key ingredients:

Preparing yourself emotionally.

If it is difficult news you have to share, give yourself time to digest it first. Take a moment to acknowledge your emotions (cry if you need to), take a moment to breathe deeply and at a steady pace, focusing on your breathing to help you calm down, drink something cool, wash your face with cold water or take a walk outside. Use paired muscle relaxation to regain focus by tightening a specific muscle group for 5 seconds and then relaxing it, for example, the muscles in your arms or shoulders.

Prepare the setting.

Choose a setting for the conversation that is private and comfortable. Ensure everyone is seated so you can comfort or reach out to the other person if needed. If possible, also ensure you have enough time available, so you don’t rush off the conversation.

Prepare the other person.

Warn the other person that you need to share difficult news with them. In this way, they can mentally and physically brace themselves. Pause and give them a moment to prepare themselves before you proceed.

Give the information or news in small chunks.

Too much information, especially emotionally laden information, can be too overwhelming to make sense of. It is better to break the information you are about to share into smaller chunks. Share a chunk, pause and give them time to process what you’ve said, then share the next chunk. Give basic facts. We sometimes try to give context and detail, which makes the information complex. The detailed information can come later, and the receiver will probably ask for it when they have processed the initial news.  

Demonstrate empathy/validate their feelings.

Acknowledge their feelings and reactions. Some people may show emotion or ask questions, while others may go quiet. If the reaction is silence, don’t be tempted to fill it. Although you started the conversation, it is now for them to respond. Sometimes they need time to process what was said, formulate a response, or let the initial shock subside. If it is someone close to you, taking their hand or putting your arm around their shoulders may help them know you are there for them.  

Answer questions honestly and completely.

Do not try to sugarcoat the facts. Respond to questions with accurate and honest information. Clear communication makes difficult news easier to hear and understand.

It is important to remember that once the difficult conversation is over, you and the other person may need a break or pause to express your emotions, regulate or be on your own for a while.  Difficult conversations often entail follow-up conversations that require more detail, decision-making or clarification.  Approach each conversation by keeping these key ingredients in mind to keep the conversation clear and manageable for all involved.