Finding Life on the Edges

Photo: Susan Sander

Not all clients visiting my practice face insurmountable life challenges or experience deep and unbearable pain. Some come and sit with me with another kind of problem weighing down their hearts, like being hooked to the dead weight of a lead sinker, preventing them from breaking free and experiencing true joy, happiness and freedom. Some have worked hard and tried to do all the right stuff, but still end up in frustration because they cannot seem to find the right formula. They have clear goals for all the areas of their lives. They do all the right things. They stayed the course, but still.... All they seem to see is the shifting horizon and the hard tar road of life under their blistered feet.

Based on psychological research, particularly from the field of positive psychology, true happiness isn't just about feeling good, but about a more profound sense of well-being that comes from a combination of factors. When we seek the kind of happiness that settles our hearts and brings fulfilment, it often does not include a high-paying job or a huge bank balance.

There is a relative consensus amongst psychology researchers on the key factors that form an integral part of experiencing happiness. These include:

• Identifying the experiences that stir gratitude, contentment, and love in you and a focus on amplifying these feelings in your daily life. Noticing the way the sun falls on a leaf, feeling the crisp morning air in your face, finding joy in the soft rhythmic call of the turtle dove, inhaling the smell of freshly ground coffee. It's not about denying or avoiding negative emotions in your life, but about building a higher frequency of positive ones.

• Building and nourishing positive and meaningful relationships in your life. Having a sense of belonging and people you can rely on for support is crucial for well-being. Make the time to have coffee with a friend and catch up on what's happening in their life. Set aside your laptop or phone to cuddle your child or hug your partner. Look your teenager in the eye and really listen to their words and stories with openness and interest.

• Setting and achieving goals that are in line with your values. We often neglect identifying what is most important to us or what we value most at any given stage of our lives. Our values are the fuel that drives our behaviours, whether we acknowledge them or not. By identifying and stating them clearly, we can use them as guiding posts for our decisions. Finding meaning or a sense of purpose in life and feeling that you're contributing to something larger than yourself is a vital component of happiness. This can be found through your work, spirituality, or a personal cause.

  
  

Happiness researcher and Hardward Professor, Arthur Brooks, reiterates the values of these factors. In his work, he calls deep enjoyment (from meaningful experiences), satisfaction (achieving goals and feeling a sense of accomplishment) and meaning (finding a sense of purpose and contributing to something larger than yourself) as the macronutrients of happiness. Faith, family, friendship, and work are the foundational pillars that provide connection and contribute to our well-being. He states that happiness is the journey, not a destination.

The noise of our media and information-saturated world, lifestyles defined by deadlines and never-ending to-do lists, and the pressures of staying abreast of work and economic demands force us to run relentlessly between the lines of a never-ending road, missing the landscapes, sunsets and life happening on the sides of the road.

Happiness may start to grow if we force ourselves to stop now and then, breathe the air and then look for the evidence of life on the edge of the road. However small, it will often fill us with wonder and a sense of awe at how profusely the beauty of nature, or love and connection, tumbles onto the road, and into our lives, if we let it. Like this bit of moss I noticed in the crack on the side of the road.

References

Arthur Brooks (June 2024), The three macronutrients of happiness. https://youtu.be/dU6ck388Xv4?si=69fP0NZEeiMvR9hm

Arthur Brooks' website: https://arthurbrooks.com

Melissa Madeson (Feb 2017), Seligman's PERMA + model explained: a theory of well-being. https://positivepsychology.com/perma-model/